A funny thing happened....again.

You Tell' em Girl

1-
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?


2-
He said to me ... . ........ Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart


3-
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


4-
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.


5-
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.


6-
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.


7-
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.


8-
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Nice one, gonna post it on my forum too

They just never get it do they???




One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
A Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
We were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
Hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
Making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
Thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
Would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
Terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
Stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
About 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
For Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
Verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
Me and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
Your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

These are very funny Ree.....I've sent them to all I think would get a laugh from them...

Quote :

They just never get it do they???

They really don't...

Can't beat the oldies but goodies

I've heard rumours the Sean Connery...AKA agent 007... is a narky old git... wonder does he really think James Bond is an actual person...

It could well be fake...but I've seen footage of him being a narky old git....and quite rude to people

I saw it on a show called 'When Celebrities turn Bad'...or something like that.... maybe he was just having a bad hair day and he's really charming..who knows...and do we really care...

Made me larf, anyway

I like Sir Sean, he has matured very well, in fact I far prefere the new older model to the original new model.

He still cuts a very fine figure in a kilt too, as Colleen would say:

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I have to agree Loki....GRRRRRRR-DE-GRRRRRRR-GRRRRRRR....
Very handsome man....

If that's a recent pic of 007 then I have to amend my previous comment....he WAS a very handsome man but like the rest of us mere mortals time is getting the better of him... he looks old now.
Danial Criag is just NO....!!!!!.....the only one who cameclose to Sean Connery as James Bond was Pierce Brosnan...
I was trying to get a pic of Peirce Brosnan but Photobucket says it doesn't host 'sexually explicit' photos... all I did was type his name in... guess he's hotter than hot...

Quote :

Danial Criag is just NO....!!!!!.....the only one who cameclose to Sean Connery as James Bond was Pierce Brosnan..

For me, it Timothy Dalton

irish colleen wrote:

I was trying to get a pic of Peirce Brosnan but Photobucket says it doesn't host 'sexually explicit' photos... all I did was type his name in... guess he's hotter than hot...

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Maybe they were reading your mind He's yum


I share Bridies thoughts too.....Seany love....come back!!!!!

A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

Like his mother used to do.
*snort*..

irish colleen wrote:

A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

Like his mother used to do.
*snort*..

good enough for him

Good one, Colleen!!!!!

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...."

''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and have mad, passionate sex.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV

Dark Angel wrote:

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV

and can I add: let him go out with his buds

Dark Angel wrote:

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV

HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!
how do you think I've been married for 23 years....men are very low maintanence....just aim for the stomach and the....well ya know .....and go shopping with his money while he's watching TV.... simple...

They such simple animals and easy enough to please

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. ... Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded: "I found the remote."

oh my!!!