A funny thing happened....again.

Irish Rebel wrote:

Mum, you still awake?' "

Bridge wrote:

Irish Rebel wrote:

Mum, you still awake?' "

YOU'RE BACK!!!! WHOOOOOP!!! Here's one for you to use as a screen saver at work

Ree wrote:

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically

telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

Paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything,

I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing

it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my

breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again,

although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

So funny.....

Irish Rebel wrote:

Sleigh bells ring

Are you listenin'

In the lane

Snow is glistenin'

A beautiful sight

We're happy tonight

So corny it's funny....

Loki wrote:

I understood to

Gotta luuuurve Maxine too




WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to
keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous
disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE

That's a awful lot of Schitt to remember Loki.......

irish colleen wrote:

That's a awful lot of Schitt to remember Loki.......

Yeah, bit like the OF

*SNORT*

So there!!!!

Oh LOKI!!!!



A man was telling a girl in the bar about his ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

...

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

The man said, “Yesterday."

Golf
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers
off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!

Saw this the other day in work....we couldn't stop laughing...
WARNING....do not try this at home....
OTHER WARNING....contains scenes of drunk naked man.....



Sponge Bob Square Pants lives....

LORDHAVEMERCY!!!!!

Ree wrote:

LORDHAVEMERCY!!!!!

I think he might have had Ree

Funny...

Good one, Loki

I'd quit too...

irish colleen wrote:

I'd quit too...

I can see you in that job. Pope Colleen....The Holy Terror

Would that be Pope-ess Colleen....
I think the Randy Rev should be the next Pope...

Did you know, there was allegedly a female pope? Pope Joan.

Quote :

Pope Joan was a legendary female Pope who allegedly reigned for a few years some time during the Middle Ages. The story first appeared in 13th-century chronicles, [1] and was subsequently spread and embellished throughout Europe. It was widely believed for centuries, though modern religious scholars consider it fictitious, perhaps deriving from historicized folklore regarding Roman monuments or from anti-papal satire.
The first mention of the female pope appears in the chronicle of Jean de Mailly, but the most popular and influential version was that interpolated into Martin of Troppau's Chronicon Pontificum et Imperatorum, later in the 13th century. Most versions of her story describe her as a talented and learned woman who disguises herself as a man, often at the behest of a lover. In the most common accounts, due to her abilities, she rises through the church hierarchy, eventually being elected pope. However, while riding on horseback she gives birth, thus exposing her gender. In most versions, she dies shortly after, either being killed by an angry mob or from natural causes. Her memory is then shunned by her successors.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Joan

Loki wrote:

Did you know, there was allegedly a female pope? Pope Joan.

I remember watching a film based on the story (the film made in 1972...not the 2009 version).
It caused uproar with the Vatican. How DARE anyone suggest that a woman could have been Pope?
Ever notice how most religions ban women from holding office?
BUT.... this is the joke thread so I shall end on a lighter note

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshields wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross!!!," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the Car!"

Some night-time giggles ............
<p>Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes and starts shaking Bill. <p>Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you want?"<p>"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

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A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around.

As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?"

She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
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And finally........................ do you get it?

I don't get it...
Nan bread...Bat Man...Nope..don't get it..?